The rise in mood and anxiety disorders in children
and adolescents plus the concerns over teen suicide - which is now the second
leading cause of death for adolescents in Canada - is of growing concern for
parents.
Why can some children navigate the hazardous waters
of peer pressure, bullying, and academic pressures, while others find
themselves overwhelmed or distressed?
It’s all about resiliency, and resiliency in
children can be fostered by parents.
Daniel Siegel, MD and Tina Payne Bryson, PH.D are
one team that is leading the way on how parents can accomplish this in their
book The Whole Brain Child.
The main message they deliver is that - barring any
profound developmental delays - children
have the tools they need to develop a healthy state of resiliency; The ability
to bounce back from life’s hard lessons or crises. The methods they suggest are all about
connecting the various parts of the brain; The downstairs to the upstairs, the upstairs
to the downstairs, the left to the right, and right to the left.
To understand the science behind their approach,
one has to first understand the parts of the brain and their function;
The “downstairs” part of the brain is comprised of
our brainstem and our limbic system. Combined,
these organs control our breathing, heart rate, blood pressure, and body
temperature. They also react to changes
in our environment, seek attachment, and respond to threats.
The “upstairs” part of our brain is our
Cortex. This is where we live – where
our memories are stored and the part of our brain that dictates how we view the
world and ourselves, plus how we reason, problem solve, and make all executive decisions.
The cortex is also divided into the “left” region
of logic and reason, and the “right” region of emotion – although there is a
lot of crossover, we can all agree that we have two distinct ways to approach
life; logically or emotionally.
Siegal and Bryson have keyed into the emerging
science of Neuroplasticity and applied it to children. Neuroplasticity is the brain’s ability to
change its function and structure.
To help your child become a “whole brained child”
we, as parents, have to help them connect all the parts of their brain when
facing adversity.
First we connect the right and left, and we can do
this by aligning with our child before we correct them. Dr Gordon Neufeld coined the term “collect
before you correct”. Siegal and Bryson
call it “connect and redirect”.
For example, if a child is upset because they can’t
have the toy they want, we connect with them emotionally; right brain to right
brain. We acknowledge that they really
want the toy and we demonstrate empathy for them not being able to have
it. Second we help them connect to the
left side of their brain, by telling the story about what is upsetting them –
“name it to tame it”. In this way their
left brain will begin to make sense out of what is upsetting them, and by doing
so they can feel more in control.
Next, we must connect the upstairs brain to the downstairs
brain and this is a bit of an art form.
The concept is that when in distress, the downstairs of our brain can
hijack the upstairs of our brain – that our threat response can be so out of
control that we lose the ability to reason.
Again, Siegal and Bryson suggest beginning by aligning with our child;
“engage, don’t enrage”. Instead of
playing parental trump cards like “Because I said so”, ask questions, play a
“what would you do?” game, even negotiate the situation. And negotiating doesn’t mean giving in to
every whim a child has, it’s about allowing them age appropriate choices; If
they can’t have the toy they wanted, which of the other two toys available to
them would they like to play with? [If the answer is “none” then we have some
more connections to make.]
If a child has lost touch with their upstairs
brain, get them moving to help the regain emotional balance by reconnecting with
their body – “upstairs to downstairs”.
Another method of this form of upstairs/downstairs
connectivity is drawn from Multimodal Therapy and mindfulness by helping your
child pay attention to “S.I.F.T.” – Sensations, Images, Feelings, and Thoughts
inside them while at the same time reminding them that these things will change
– that what they are feeling in the moment isn’t going to last forever. We can help them with the latter by
reconnecting them with memories of times when they weren’t distressed. As Siegal and Bryson put it “remember to
remember”.
Another important piece to help children learn
resiliency is for us to remember that we are hardwired for “we” – our principal
defense against distress or danger is attachment. Always look for ways to connect with your
child – use the word “we” as often as possible when problem solving or helping
them face challenges.
The flip-side of the “we” strategy is to help your
child in perspective taking; Of helping them see the other person’s point of
view in any conflict.
The last part of the “we” experience is to make
sure you have fun together; connecting with caring and trustworthy people in
their lives will pay dividends as they grow into adolescents and adults.
The Whole Brain Child is an informative read, and don’t
think that you’ve missed the bus if your children are into their teens, all of
the methods in the book can be scaled for any age. You might even learn some things about
yourself.
Aaron D. McClelland, RPCc - www.interiorcounselling.com/aaron
