Skin Hunger

Though the term Skin Hunger may illicit images of horror movies, it is a real and growing psychological and physiological phenomenon - the yearning to be touched.  Skin hunger is a relatively new term that has been applied to the emotional response engendered by the loss of touch in our society as we distance ourselves through lifestyle and technology.

The alarming fact is that of the five basic senses, touch is the only one deemed essential to human life.

The importance of touch has been known for decades;

• In the 1980s and 1990s, Doctors in eastern European orphanages noticed that infants who were not held or touched regularly failed to thrive and many died
• Premature babies who are laid on mom or dad’s chest with skin-to-skin contact (Kangaroo Care) thrive compared with others who do not receive it
• These same babies who are on respirators, settle quicker and enter deeper restorative REM sleep while being held by a parent
• In Harry Harlow’s rhesus monkey experiments in the late 1950s when infant monkeys could choose between a wire-frame ‘surrogate parent’ who provided food, or a terrycloth covered surrogate who provided nothing but texture, the infant monkeys chose to cling to the ‘furred’ surrogate almost exclusively
• In the animal world, infant litters of pups and kits snuggle together to satisfy their need for touch
• Human’s experience lower blood pressure, deeper sleep, and live longer even with a pet providing their need for touch

With more North Americans living alone than ever before, polls show that 75% experience Skin Hunger on a daily basis, and 25% said they did not have a single person to share intimate matters with.

The skin is the largest organ of the body and skin-to-skin touch is the first thing we experience immediately after birth and is the foundation of attachment.  Co-author of “Hold On To Your Kids”, Dr Gordon Neufeld has argued for decades that attachment should be placed at the top of Maslow's hierarchy of need due to the quantifiable evidence that infants lacking the foundation of attachment through touch will refuse to feed, or will not absorb nutrients if they do.

A recent study on Skin Hunger by Kory Floyd Ph.D. of 509 adult subjects, saw results that were consistent and striking;

“People with high levels of skin hunger are disadvantaged in multiple ways compared to those with moderate or low levels.” said Floyd, “Specifically, compared to people with less skin hunger, people who feel more affection-deprived are less happy; more lonely; more likely to experience depression and stress; and - in general - are in worse health.”

“They have less social support and lower relationship satisfaction.” Floyd goes on, “They experience more mood and anxiety disorders, and more secondary immune disorders, and are more likely to have alexithymia, a condition that impairs their ability to express and interpret emotion.”

“Finally, they are more likely to have a preoccupied or fearful avoidant attachment style; they're less likely to form secure attachments with others in their lives.”

Satisfying Skin Hunger has a biochemical benefit; hugs have been shown to increase the production of oxytocin in humans; this is the hormone that positively influences our bonding and nurturing behaviors. In clinical trials, researchers found that individuals receiving oxytocin showed less fatigue, greater dispositional gratitude, and steadier physical functioning than those receiving a placebo.

Skin Hunger also goes far in explaining why so many seek casual sex with strangers; ‘settle’ for a less than ideal life partners; stay in unhealthy relationships; return to abusive relationships, and; seek extra-marital affairs.

Entrepreneurs have recognized people’s growing need for non-sexual skin-on-skin contact and have created agencies such as “www.cuddlist.com” and “www.cuddleup.com” that host contact pages for “professional cuddlers” whose fees range from $25 to $100 per hour.  These agencies have strict codes of conduct that include; an expectation of good personal hygiene; minimum dress requirements (tank top and mid-thigh shorts); restrictions against sexual touch, and; no exchange of saliva.

A local search of conservative Summerland, BC - a town of 11,000 people - found 10 registered active professional cuddlers within a 15 minute drive of the town centre.  Skin Hunger is driving the growth of this new niche market as we allow lifestyle and technology to separate us.

“Fortunately, Skin Hunger doesn’t have to be a permanent condition.” Dr Floyd advises, “Each of us has the capacity to get more affection in our lives. In the meantime, put down your cell phone and share an affectionate moment with someone in person. For those with skin hunger, human contact - not the technologically mediated variety - is the cure for what ails.”

Aaron D. McClelland, MPCC-S - www.interiorcounselling.com

This Ain't Right, Man

For the past few years, awareness of consent and rape has grown.  Through the evolution from sanitizing it as “non-consensual sex” and “date rape” to calling it what it is; sexual assault, our society is becoming aware of the devastation this violence has on it’s victims and how widespread it is.

Because one in five female college and university students will be raped at some point in their scholastic career, progressive schools now offer workshops and seminars.  At first they were for females and provided tips on how not to be raped. But due to societal backlash against placing the responsibility on the victim, these have evolved into including male and female students and focus on what consent looks like (“an enthusiastic YES”), and that both participants need to check in with each other at each stage of a sexual encounter to ensure consent has not been withdrawn. When these first began, enrollment was sparse, yet as social awareness has grown, these workshops have as well, moving from 45 minutes in small classrooms into two to three hours in auditoriums, with male/female attendance equalizing and much discussion taking place.

Yet some educational centres still engage in victim blaming, such as the Mormon Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah, who habitually expel female students who report rapes.  But more and more universities are coming on board.

But I want to address this issue on a psychological and societal level that goes beyond the realm of rape.

In the human brain, there are three areas which host mirror neurons.  These neurons react when we observe the behaviour of another living being in our presence.  These are the neurons that alert our genetic programming for empathy.  When we observe another person (or animal) in distress, our mirror neurons notice, and though we don’t feel exactly what the other person is feeling, we feel a strong pull of empathy and an urge to help them.

I’m a big Mixed Martial Arts fan.  The whole purpose of MMA is to dominate one’s opponent either through devastating kicks, punches, elbows, submission holds that can dislocate joints, or chokes that can render a person unconscious.  What I find fascinating is that at a large MMA event, 20,000 to 60,000 people are there to see those very devastating actions, yet when they happen, people gasp, flinch, or cry out because the person who that just happened to is hurt.  Their mirror neurons fire bright and the crowd feels that strong pull of empathy for the vanquished.

So why is it that some drunk male university students, who see an unconscious female, bypass their mirror neurons and see it as an opportunity to rape her?

The irony is that those in the Bondage/Domination, Sado/Masochist (BDSM) community who partner with people to engage in sometimes brutal forms of sex have been using “safe words” for decades - a prearranged word that the submissive partner can utter, that the dominant partner will respect immediately.  They will release their partner and begin after-care to calm and relieve their partner’s distress, and let them know they are safe.

Years ago, while working as a security supervisor in Vancouver, I was visiting our guard at Queen Elizabeth park (aka “Little Mountain”).  As we were checking in, two full-patch bikers rode up the hill to the upper parking lot.  One of the bikers had a female passenger who almost fell off his bike as they rounded the last curve.

The guard and I walked up into the parking area and saw that the bikers had ridden up onto the grass and the female was lying on her back, the bikers standing over her.  As we approached, the female - who was very intoxicated and barely conscious - was reaching up, inviting both bikers to have sex with her.  I overheard one of the bikers say to his brother; “This ain’t right, man.”  The other agreed.

The bikers saw us approach and one noticed the portable radio on my belt.  “Can you call for an ambulance?” he asked, “I think she needs to go to the hospital.”

I radioed our Dispatch and they called 911 for us (I specified an ambulance and not the police as both bikers had been drinking as well).  As we were waiting, the female started vomiting and choking, and one of the bikers rolled her into the recovery position, rubbed her back and even held her hair as she vomited.

It turned out that the female was unknown to these men - they had picked her up in a bar - and despite their intention to have sex with her, they cared about and for her.  They knew she was in no state to give proper consent for sex, and suspected she was approaching medical distress.

Shortly after the ambulance arrived, the female stopped breathing and the paramedics had to intubate her and use a breathing bag.  If the bikers hadn’t felt empathy for her and acted on it, this female may have died.

My big question is; Why is it that Doms in the BDSM community or two bad-ass 1% full-patch bikers respond with empathy when they see a passed out female and ensure she gets medical attention, but a bright university athlete decides to rape her instead?

Has two decades of “rape culture” in rap music, online homemade porn videos featuring men dominating and abusing women, and examples by a few professional athletes turned some young men away from their natural empathy?

I wish I had the answers.

But I do know one thing that we should all be alarmed by …

Mirror neurons, empathy, and our entire Limbic system are all part of our survival system - survival of self and survival of species.  As Dr Bruce Perry said in one of his books; “We are born for love”.  We are hardwired to care about and care for each other.  What is happening to our society through rapes, murders, assaults, mass shootings, and religion-driven violence is evidence that there is a growing number of people who have lost touch with that survival system.

We need to teach our children from birth that caring for others is our most important duty as human beings.  Men need to intervene when other men treat or talk about women as objects.  We all need to stand up against any form of bigotry, be it race, gender, religion, or sexual orientation, and we need to do it loudly and often.

Without empathy, without caring about and caring for each other we are done as a species.  To sit passively by while this trend continues, well …

“This ain’t right, man”.

Aaron D. McClelland, MPCC - www.interiorcounselling.com

The Fakery of Forgiveness

How Fad Forgiveness “Therapies” Can Have Devastating Results 

"Bury and rebury those feelings of hurt"

"Have empathy for your abuser"

"Forgive your abuser"

These are just three of the potentially harmful demands imposed on trauma survivors by misguided practitioners employing forgiveness “therapies” inappropriately based on the Post Traumatic Growth Inventory.

The current upsurge in forgiveness “therapies” employed by practitioners inexperienced in trauma recovery is the result of fad-followers being sold a bill of goods by religious or spirituality-based promoters who cite the Post Traumatic Growth Inventory (PGI) as a root clinical foundation. 

Founded in a “positive psychology” approach, forgiveness “therapies” follow the religious tenets of Christianity, Hinduism, Buddhism, Islamic and Baha’i that believe that suffering can potentially yield a positive transformative experience for the person harmed.

The problem arises when practitioners who are rooted in a religious or spiritual approach present these fad theories as a one-size-fits-all “therapy” that aligns with their own bias and agenda.

Richard G. Tedeschi and Lawrence G. Calhoun published “The Posttraumatic Growth Inventory: Measuring the Positive Legacy of Trauma” in the Journal of Traumatic Stress, Vol. 9, No.3, 1996.  Tedeschi and Calhoun never claimed that the PGI was a therapeutic modality, but rather was “an instrument for assessing positive outcomes reported by persons who have experienced traumatic events”.  

The PGI is comprised of a 21 item scale that includes factors of; New Possibilities; Relating to Others; Personal Strength; Spiritual Change, and; Appreciation of Life.  This PGI assessment scale can assist practitioners to gauge the resiliency and internal protective factors of their clients and indicate areas that may be strengthened by using therapeutic interventions that have proven efficacy and align with the client’s strengths, needs, abilities, and preferences.

Two of the fad forgiveness “therapies” were created by Everett Worthington - a Christian-based Professor of Psychology at Virginia Commonwealth University, and Robert Enright - a Roman Catholic Professor of Psychology at the University of Wisconsin-Madison.  Both have based their approaches on the Christian ethos of forgiving those who have harmed us as the only way to truly heal from trauma.  Enright even created the “Enright Forgiveness Inventory” - a direct hijacking of Tedeschi & Calhoun’s Posttraumatic Growth Inventory.  Both Worthington and Enright promote anecdotal accounts as “the new science of forgiveness”, however, calling something “science” doesn’t make it so.

The trouble with Enright’s suggestion to “bury and rebury the pain” is that buried pain doesn’t stay buried

Doctor Alice Miller, a Swiss Psychologist/Therapist of Polish-Jewish origin who dedicated her life to studying the lingering damage of child abuse and helping its victims to recover, provided hundreds of case studies in her books that show that being compelled to forgive their abuser or rapist has a detrimental affect on the victim.

In her book, “The Body Never Lies - The Lingering Effects of Cruel Parenting”, Miller presents case after case of her own patients and those of prominent historic figures, such as Marcel Proust, Virginia Woolf, Friedrich Nietsche and others, that indicate the long-range consequences of childhood abuse on the adult body, including; depression; anorexia; cancer; and psychosis.

Miller lays the main cause of these maladies at the altar of the Christian-based tenets of forgiveness, beginning with “Thou Shalt Honour Thy Mother and Thy Father”.  This institutionalized religious demand - “Poisonous Pedagogy” -prevents recovery and health by establishing a conflictual incongruity between demands to forgive and their own unresolved grief, hurt, and anger, plus inflicts crushing guilt on the victim for being unable or unwilling to forgive those who have harmed them.

An actual slide from a professor’s PowerPoint presentation to psych students at the California State University - Northridge, directing those with Post Traumatic Stress to bury and rebury their pain - trauma researchers such as Alice Miller and Bessel A. van der Kolk would disagree. 

For survivors of childhood abuse or sexual abuse, how can one “honour” the person who abused them in the first place, or failed to protect them from that abuse?   Morals aside, one is a crime, the other is neglect of an innocent and vulnerable child.  And when the perpetrator is the parent of that child, the pain and lingering damage is impacted so deeply it changes the way our brains form and function and how DNA is expressed.

In the numerous cases that Miller presents in her book, she cites dozens of instances of patients who had developed chronic or terminal illnesses because of this inner conflict, going into remission or having their disease disappear once they were released from the demand to forgive.

Neurobiologist Bessel A. van der Kolk, a leading authority on trauma and its treatment stated; “Traumatic memories are the unassimilated scraps of overwhelming experiences, which need to be integrated with existing mental schemes, and be transformed into narrative language”.

This trauma narrative treatment modality has proven efficacy through dozens of peer reviewed studies of Trauma Focused Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (TF-CBT), Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Traumatic Incident Reduction (TIR) and other approaches that employ a trauma narrative.  

“If I didn’t have years of therapy behind me, this would have destroyed me”

 ~ JB, early childhood sexual abuse survivor

In my own practice working with survivors of child abuse, child sexual abuse, and rape, the topic of forgiveness often arises when they relate that friends, family, and/or religious/spiritual leaders were pressuring them to forgive their abuser.  Their distress comes from not wanting to forgive and being told that they will never heal until they do.  When I respond with the affirmation that forgiveness is a choice each person must make on their own, and that some actions are unforgivable, the physical relief is visibly apparent; tight shoulders and rigid postures relax, fists unclench, and in that moment, healing can begin.

The trouble with Enright’s suggestion to “bury and rebury the pain” is that buried pain doesn’t stay buried.  As a colleague who pursued therapy for the lingering pain of her own early childhood abuse said; “The only way out, is through.”

When it comes to an individual’s choice to forgive or not forgive, practitioners need to make a distinction between “not willing to forgive” and “actively maintaining negative emotions”.  Supporters of forgiveness “therapies” fail to make this distinction and view an unwillingness to forgive as evidence of persistent hatred and anger.

“JB”, a Dean’s List university student with a history of devastating child sexual abuse had this to say after sitting through Enright’s & Worthington’s forgiveness presentation;

“If I didn’t have years of therapy behind me, this would have destroyed me. Even with years of real therapy, hearing that I have to forgive him made me second-guess myself.  Was it my fault?  Am I bad for not wanting to forgive him?  If I can’t forgive him, am I worthless like he always said?  I had to hear from my therapist that no, I don’t have to forgive him.”

JB went on to say;  

“What if in that class there was someone who heard that and believed it?  She’s going to go home hating herself and feeling guilty that she can’t forgive.”

We all can choose to forgive or not forgive someone who has harmed us, and we can seek help to resolve guilt, shame, anger, hatred, or even the desire for revenge.  In many cases, emotional health is achieved by understanding that our abuser or rapist is a flawed and dangerous person whose actions and choices do not define our identity.  Forgiveness has its place in forgiveness of self, so we can erase the shame or guilt of being a victim - to reach an understanding that the abuse was not our fault, nor did we deserve it, nor did we bring it on ourselves through action or inaction.

Forgiving others has its place; when someone steps on your foot in crowded theatre for example.  But requiring that an abuse survivor forgive their abuser for the torture they visited upon them and the years of torment that resulted is both irresponsible and harmful - as Miller put it; a “Poisonous Pedigogy” where those with the advantage in a power imbalance dominate those who do not, and demand they forgive all wrongs made against them.

My greatest fear is that an individual who is struggling daily with post-traumatic stress symptoms may be convinced by a misguided practitioner that forgiveness “therapy” is their only option, and will play a game they cannot win.  And when healing does not take place, become convinced that it is they who failed - not the “therapy” - thereby losing hope, and seeking relief through suicide.

As mental health practitioners whose client’s very lives may be held in our care, it is incumbent on all of us to follow best practice by employing therapeutic modalities that have peer reviewed, proven efficacy and not jump on board the latest fad, fuelled by our own agendas and religious biases.

Our Shrinking World

It used to be that most people lived in small rural communities and doing so we had few secrets from others in our hometown or village.  We shopped at local stores, so our buying habits became known to our neighbours; we shared the philosophies we held dear to our hearts and they quickly became well known and judged or accepted by our peers, and any poor choice we made was broadcast to everyone we knew in short order.  If we made an unfortunate choice or committed a crime against another, we were easily identified and the consequences were unavoidable.

As we migrated away from our hometowns and villages into large metropolises, we quickly adapted and enjoyed the anonymity of blending in with the faceless crowd.  We could experiment with lifestyle choices; purchase what we wanted without judgment, and could keep secrets from our friends and family.  We were free spirits in a vast, disconnected world.  We found that we could get away with bad behaviour and avoid consequences for our crimes

Now, however, it appears that our world is shrinking back down to the the form of a village, not so much in population or geographic footprint, but in connectivity.  Recent news items highlight this trend;

The man who bullied and blackmailed Amanda Todd in British Columbia, Canada, driving her to complete her suicide, was a resident of the Netherlands.  He thought he was anonymous.  In April, 2014 he was arrested by Dutch authorities and charged with extortion, internet luring, criminal harassment and the possession and distribution of child pornography for his alleged activities against Amanda.

Just this past week, the identity of the masked ISIL executioner who filmed himself beheading two captured non-combat Americans, became known and shared amongst intelligence agencies of various countries responding to the ISIL threat.  There is no doubt that this man will be captured and brought to trial for murder or killed by anti-ISIL forces.

A third, non-criminal case arose recently when the father of a teen girl took Target stores to task for sending his daughter coupons for cribs, baby clothes and formula.  When Target investigated, they discovered that the algorithm their computers use to analyze purchases by their customers had noticed that the teen’s purchasing patterns had changed from that of a teen girl to an expectant future mother so it automatically began sending her ads and coupons that aligned with her new purchasing pattern.  And yes, the computer was correct - the girl confessed to her Dad that she was pregnant.

The internet is connecting us in ways we never intended.  We share our worldview on a social media site with our chosen friends who then share it with theirs and so on until the news of our politics or philosophies or opinions may be known to millions.  We are more aware of our world by receiving raw news feeds from all corners of the globe before it is filtered by the large media giants, yet at the same time we are part of that connectivity and news feed.

For better or worse, our vast anonymous world is shrinking to that of a global village which affords us community but gives us nowhere to hide.

Aaron D. McClelland, MMT, RPC - www.interiorcounselling.com/aaron

Suicide Season

I received a phone call today on the cell phone I use for my private practice.  It was a woman, slurring her words, groggy, somewhat confused.

She told me her name and I had to have her repeat it three times before I could understand her.  She asked for someone I’d never heard of then asked if she’d ever called me before.

I said she hadn’t, and asked her what was wrong (it was obvious something was).

“I’ve taken a lot of pills.” she said, “I need some help.”

I tried to get her address and to have her call 911 for help, but she hung up.

I immediately called 911 myself and reported the conversation and gave them the number she had called from - it was a cell phone number and the call taker didn’t know how to locate the woman.

But within two minutes of making the report, I received a call from an RCMP Constable who wanted to know if I had any further information about the woman - I didn’t.  He said that they had tracked the cell number to a residence and that it was registered in her name.  While we were talking, he said that the paramedics had rolled up at the address and he was less than a minute away.

I was proud that our local RCMP and Paramedics responded so quickly and efficiently to intervene in a suicide.

This encounter put me in mind that we are rapidly approaching Suicide Season.

Popular belief is that suicide rates are higher in winter months, but the reality is that spring and early summer have the highest rates of attempted and completed suicides.

The Center for Disease Control and Prevention indicate that suicide rates are lowest during the winter months and highest in the summer and spring, findings that have been corroborated by numerous studies, (Benedito-Silva et al, 2007; Bridges et al, 2005; Bazas et al. 1979).

Many psychologists suggest that spring is a symbolic time of renewal and change, and for those who struggle with depression, when there is no renewal or change, they lose hope.  Others suggest that after the deep depression of cloudy and cold winter months, the advent of more sunshine provides the depressed person more energy to plan and complete the complex task of suicide.

Whatever the reasons, we are about to enter the annual Suicide Season.  For men, spring is the most lethal season, while women have two peak times each year; spring and then again in autumn.

Canada ranks 40^th overall worldwide for the number of suicides per capita, with 11.1 completed suicides per 100,000 people.   Greenland has the highest rate at 83 per 100,000, and Nepal the lowest at zero.

But the Canadian statistics hide an ongoing tragedy; Nanuvit’s completed suicide rate per 100,000 people is a staggering 71.  Which means if Nanuvit was a separate country it would be ranked number two over-all worldwide.

Age also stands out in statistics gathered about suicides; Men’s suicide rates peak in their 40s and again in their 90s; Women’s suicide rates peak in their 50s.

In Canada, suicide is the highest cause of violent death amongst adolescents.

What does all this mean for the average person?  Be aware of the warning signs;

• Talking about wanting to die or to kill themself.
• Looking for a way to kill themself, such as searching online or buying a gun.
• Talking about feeling hopeless or having no reason to live.
• Talking about feeling trapped or in unbearable pain.
• Talking about being a burden to others.
• Increasing the use of alcohol or drugs.
• Acting anxious or agitated; behaving recklessly.
• Sleeping too little or too much.
• Withdrawn or feeling isolated.
• Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge.
• Displaying extreme mood swings.

And there is one sign that is difficult to spot; when a depressed person suddenly seems happy or content, visits friends and family, appearing to want to connect … or to say goodbye.  These may be the signs of someone who has made the decision to kill themself and is at peace with that decision.

If you suspect someone is suicidal, don’t be afraid to talk to them about it.  Don’t dance around the topic - if you suspect, ask them outright if they are thinking about killing themselves.  Listen to their reasons, empathize without arguing.  Tell them that you care about them and want to help them find relief from the emotions driving them to want to die.  Guilt and shame about leaving loved ones behind, or breaking a religious belief do not work - it only makes them feel worse.

Most important of all, don’t hesitate to contact their family members, or Doctor, or even the Police.  They may be angry that you interfered with their suicide plan.  But it’s better to have an angry family member or friend than a dead one.

Aaron D. McClelland, MMT, RPC - www.interiorcounselling.com/aaron